On writing poems:

Lost

with an embarrassing sidekick

... my* interpretation of Paragraph I of "Religion," Chapter 12 of The Human Landscape (which is Book III of Silo's 1988 Trilogy, Humanize the Earth, after Book II, The Internal Landscape and Book I, The Inner Look)

Excuse me, dear unfortunate reader who has by whatever fluke of chance stumbled upon this page - excuse me, but I feel a need to confess something - something I hesitate to admit, but why not, the truth is all I’ve got, so I’ll just say it outright: it is deeply embarrassing to be me.

Just as deeply embarrassing as it is to be you, I’ll warrant - and I know you’ll understand me, even if you would rather not.

Because we will certainly be in agreement if I say...

But first, before proceeding, let me apologize ahead of time for getting overly carried away with the complexities of sentence structure, and for overusing the word “as," of which I am admittedly overfond. 

And secondly, let me clarify to whom I am speaking. If upon reading this you feel a pang in your imaginary gut, you'll know you are one of the “us” or the “we” to whom I refer from time to time.

That said, let me resume: We will certainly be in agreement if I say that as an ego, as a "little i," one wants to be credible above all. One wants, one needs, one craves to be seen, to be recognized, to be welcomed in the world as a causative factor - and one is constantly embarrassed because one cannot be seen, cannot be recognized, cannot be welcomed, because one is invisible. One doesn’t know why one is invisible - other people are visible, one says to oneself, but that makes no difference…

But there’s no getting around it: it is just in the nature of things that it is embarrassing to be a "little i," as some like to condescendingly refer to us. Because we all know deep down - at least if such egoic non-beings as our nonselves can be said to have a “deep down” - we all know exactly why we are invisible. We are invisible because we do not exist. Indeed, the most that can be said of us is that we are fictitious characters who “live” under the conceit, the inglorious illusion, that we exist. 

That’s right, you understood me correctly. I am saying that every one of us is simply an invention. We may appear to exist, and we may sincerely believe that we exist as living, conscious beings - but this is nothing more than an appearance, an image caught in the crosshairs of memory, perception, and imagination.

Because that is precisely how the illusion of our egoic existence is formed: through the intersection of various memories, perceptions, and imaginings, all produced within our living and enviably human hosts.

Not that it’s a bad thing to be fictitious, to be a nonentity. But if such a nonentity perversely insists on investigating its own origins and its own nature, it can only expect to be ruthlessly crushed - in other words, smashed, ground into a powder under the heel of merciless Truth, and ultimately obliterated. 

And even if what is crushed may theoretically have a chance of eventually becoming a comparatively delicious wine, the experience of being crushed can only be unpleasant, to say the least. Worse yet, recognizing that truth must surely offer a devastating blow to any nonentity that has hitherto believed itself to exist, and not only to exist, but to exist as the center of the universe…. 

And so you see the reason for my apologetic manner. If you have never before asked yourself about such matters, and have only just learned that you are not real, I do feel for you, with all my imaginary heart. 

But if you have fancied yourself a "responsible citizen" or perhaps, toward the other end of the spectrum, an "artist," or even, at the far extreme of the plausible, some kind of "spiritual seeker," and if, in doing so, you have dared to believe in your own aliveness, your own substantiality, your own creativity, your own value as the source of at least something useful and worthwhile in this world - as was my own case until my ill-advised recent incursions into the opinions of late thinker and writer Silo, aka Mario Rodriguez Cobos, whose work I very unintentionally unearthed on the Internet - then I must apologize even more humbly, if a nonentity can indeed feel humility, which I might argue is perhaps the only emotion such as we can feel. 

Now, however, the cat being out of the bag, so to speak, if you are not happy with the bedraggled mouse it has dropped at your feet, all I can suggest is that you entertain the possibility that you were perhaps “destined” to “know” - to be the recipient - of this poor, bedraggled truth. That perhaps there is some reason you and I and others like our unfortunate nonselves have been condemned to imagining our nonselves capable of consciousness. That there might be some mysterious "plan" to the whole charade, some arcane "intention" capable of imparting some semblance of "meaning" to what otherwise must simply be the hopeless torture of striving for something impossible, or perhaps attainable only by grace.... 

Ceremony for Peace

- to be read aloud by one or two people –

Reader 1:

Welcome to this ceremony for Peace. This is a ceremony for peace of all kinds - inner and outer, personal, interpersonal, and global - because all kinds of peace connect in the human heart.

Reader 2:

We've all had moments of personal or inner peace, no matter how rare or how fleeting. Even if we seldom feel that peace in our daily lives, peace is always there in our hearts - in that still, calm place from which all life springs.

Reader 1:

So let's start by connecting with that peace. Just for a moment, let's set aside our usual concerns as much as we can, and with our eyes either open or closed, let us simply rest our attention on our breath, as we breathe slowly in and out...

- pause - at least 5-6 calm breaths -

Reader 2:

By now, if you've been able to relax and just follow your breath, you are probably experiencing a deeper sense of calm and inner peace.

Reader 1:

From this peaceful place, let's think of the people we care most about, the people we love. Let's feel our connection with them...

- brief pause -

Reader 2:

Sometimes close relationships can be easier, sometimes harder - but if we can feel the human in ourselves and the other, it can become easier to understand and accept each other. So let's take a moment now to do that. Feeling our connection with our loved ones, let us silently tell them:

"I feel the human in me..."

- brief pause -

"...and I feel the human in you..."

- brief pause -

"...and they are exactly the same."

- brief pause -

"In you I recognize someone very much like me - someone with hopes and fears, with beautiful aspirations and regrets, with strengths and challenges. Even if we don't always agree or understand each other, I know that just like me, you always do the best you can at the time, even under the most difficult circumstances, and I honor and appreciate you for all the ways you contribute to my life.

"If I've ever hurt you, I meant you no real harm. I may have felt like I wanted you to suffer in the heat of the moment, but I was angry, and didn't know what I was doing.

"And I know the same is true for you - that you care for me, and if you ever hurt me, it was just in the heat of the moment, and not because you wished me any real harm.

"Finally, if I have hurt you, I pledge that I will do whatever I can to make up for that hurt, and that I will not go down that road again."

- pause -

Reader 1:

Now, at peace with ourselves and with those close to us, let us open our horizons to include everyone around the world who is suffering from violence.

Reader 2:

When we say "violence," we are referring not only to physical violence, but to violence of all kinds - economic, racial, sexual, religious, moral, and psychological. We are speaking not only of war, but of domestic violence; of child abuse and abandonment; of all forms of sexual abuse; of human trafficking; of cruelty to animals. We are speaking of discrimination and of every hate crime, whether in the name of race, ethnicity, religion, political belief, age, gender, whom or how you love, or any other characteristic. We are speaking of the corporate exploitation of human beings and of nature, and of all abuse of power. In short, we are speaking of every cruelty imposed by the fearful in an attempt to control others, our world, and the future. 

Reader 1:

We want to end the violence in our world and bring peace! And we recognize that there may be little we can do directly, on a practical level. But there is one important thing we can all do: we can ask the best for all those who are suffering. Together, we can go inside ourselves and ask for peace and wellbeing for all people, both for the victims and for the perpetrators of violence, everywhere in our world.

Reader 2:

So let us ask. In silence, let us ask with all our hearts and all our strength for an end to war, and for an end to violence of every kind, everywhere in the world.

- longer pause -

Reader 1:

Thank you, friends - let us all give thanks that we were able to come together today for peace. From this day on, let us make this peace our way of life. Let us always greet our friends, our neighbors, and our loved ones in peace and kindness, treating them as we would like to be treated.

Reader 2:

In this way, carrying peace in our hearts, and bringing peace to everyone we meet, we can begin to build a true and lasting peace within us, with each other, and worldwide - a peace that flows from the hearts of caring and courageous human beings everywhere.

- Written at the beginning of the 2023 Israel-Hamas War

- Inspired by Silo's Message

Ceremonia por la Paz

- para ser leída en voz alta por una o dos personas –

Lector 1:

Bienvenidos a nuesta ceremonia por la Paz. Esta ceremonia es por la paz de todo tipo – la paz interior y exterior, la paz personal, interpersonal y global - porque todos los tipos de paz se conectan en el corazón humano.

Lector 2:

Todos hemos tenido momentos de paz personal o interior, no importa cuán raros o fugaces hayan sido. Aunque rara vez sintamos esa paz en la vida cotidiana, la paz siempre está en nuestro corazón, en ese lugar tranquilo y sereno del que brota la vida toda.

Lector 1:

Entonces, empecemos por conectar con esa paz. Por solo un momento dejemos de lado las preocupaciones habituales lo más que podamos, y con los ojos abiertos o cerrados, simplemente atendamos a nuestra respiración, mientras inspiramos y espiramos lentamente...

- pausa - al menos 5-6 respiraciones suaves –

Lector 2:

A estas alturas, si has podido relajarte y seguir tu respiración, probablemente estas sintiendo una sensación de profunda calma y paz interior.

Lector 1:

En ese lugar de paz, pensemos en las personas que más nos importan, aquellas personas que amamos. Sintamos nuestra conexión con ellas...

- breve pausa –

Lector 2:

A veces las relaciones cercanas pueden ser fáciles y a veces difíciles - pero si podemos sentir lo humano en nosotros mismos y en el otro, puede ser más fácil entendernos y aceptar al otro/a la otra. Así que sintamos lo humano en nosotros y en nuestros seres queridos. Imaginemos que están aquí con nosotros y en silencio digámosle a cada uno lo siguiente:

Siento lo humano en mí...

- breve pausa -

Y siento lo humano en ti...

- breve pausa -

Y es exactamente lo mismo....

- breve pausa -

Te reconozco como a alguien muy parecido a mí - alguien con esperanzas y temores,

con bellas aspiraciones y con pesares, con fortalezas y desafíos. Aunque no siempre estemos de acuerdo o nos entendamos, sé que al igual que yo, siempre haces lo mejor que puedes en ese momento, dadas las circunstancias.

Si alguna vez te hice daño, no fue realmente mi intención. Puedo haber querido que sufrieras en la intensidad del momento, es que yo estaba enrabiado/enrabiada, y no sabía lo que hacía.

Y sé que es lo mismo para ti - que me quieres, y si alguna vez me lastimaste, sé que fue en lo intenso del momento, y no porque quisieras verdaderamente hacerme daño. 

Por último, si te he hecho daño, te prometo que haré todo lo que pueda para compensar ese daño y que no volveré a hacerlo.

- pausa –

Lector 1:

Ahora, en paz con nosotros mismos y con quienes nos rodean, abramos nuestro horizonte para incluir a todos los que en el mundo sufren violencia de cualquier tipo.

Lector 2:

Cuando decimos "violencia", nos referimos no sólo a la violencia física, sino a la violencia de todo tipo: económica, racial, sexual, religiosa, moral y psicológica. Hablamos no sólo de la guerra, sino de la violencia doméstica; del maltrato y abandono de niños; de todas las formas de abuso sexual; de la trata de seres humanos; de la crueldad hacia los animales. Hablamos de discriminación y de todo delito motivado por el odio, ya sea por la raza, la etnia, la religión, las creencias políticas, la edad, el sexo, a quién o cómo se ama, o cualquier otra característica. Hablamos de la explotación corporativa de los seres humanos y de la naturaleza, y de todo abuso de poder. En resumen, hablamos de toda crueldad impuesta por los temerosos en un intento de controlar a los demás, a nuestro mundo y al futuro. 

Lector 1:

¡Queremos acabar con la violencia en nuestro mundo y traer la paz! Y reconocemos que puede ser poco lo que podemos hacer directamente, a nivel práctico. Pero hay algo importante que todos podemos hacer: podemos pedir lo mejor para todos aquellos que están sufriendo. Juntos, podemos ir a nuestro interior y pedir paz y bienestar para todos y todas, tanto para las víctimas y los victimarios en todo el mundo.

Lector 2:

Pidamos, pues. Pidamos en silencio, con todo nuestro corazón y todas nuestras fuerzas por el fin de la guerra y la violencia de todo tipo, en todo el mundo.

- pausa más larga –

Lector 1:

Gracias, amigos, demos gracias por habernos reunido hoy por la paz. A partir de hoy, hagamos de esta paz nuestra forma de vivir. Siempre saludemos a nuestros amigos, vecinos y seres queridos con paz y amabilidad, tratándoles como nos gustaría que nos trataran a nosotros.

Lector 2:

Así, llevando la paz en el corazón y llevando la paz a todos quienes encontremos, podemos empezar a construir una paz verdadera y duradera en nosotros, con los demás y con todo el mundo - una paz que fluya del corazón de seres humanos afectuosos y valientes de todo el mundo.

- Escrito al comienzo de la guerra Israel-Hamas de 2023

- Inspirado en el Mensaje de Silo

Well. I’m pretty open minded, but when it comes to getting into a car with someone who looks like that, I know enough to have a second think. I mean he might simply be unkempt, but he might also be your typical deranged loner, the kind who without even bothering with a haircut gets a job as Lyft driver for the sole purpose of viciously attacking old ladies, torturing them and finally depositing them, dead and traumatized, in some lonely, abandoned place where no one would ever think to look. And then he reappears the next day, no one the wiser, in his fine Tesla, to torture and kill yet another helpless victim who has done nothing wrong but remind him of his grandmother… 

Well of course I thought seriously about canceling that ride.

But then I told myself that he couldn’t be that bad if he really was driving a Tesla - I mean he would have to be fairly well off, and I don’t know if Tesla even sells their automobiles to criminals, in fact that might well be illegal and should be if it’s not. Besides, I really don’t like to rock the boat, especially when it’s on its way. So in the end, I decided to take the risk.


The young man arrived spot on time, and even though his name was Ezekiel - not exactly normal - he did seem quite nice. In fact, he was almost too nice, so I kept a good hold on the door handle while he provided me with detailed answers to my small talk questions, telling me all about his past, who knows how much fabricated, including his four years in the Navy in some southern city, and his recent return to his hometown, here where I live. He did seem to want to make me feel comfortable - though that could certainly have been just to get me to drop my guard so he could do his terrible business with me after all. But he appeared to be taking me in the right direction, not out of town which would have been the sensible choice if he were still planning on disposing of my mutilated body somewhere...

All in all, he managed to soften me up to where I was beginning to relax and think that I might not have to open the car door in mid-transit and leap out (actually he probably would have had the child locks on, but I didn’t think of that at the time) when suddenly he turned right around in his seat, looked me right in the eye while continuing to drive blindly forward almost giving me a heart attack, and told me, “You know, I'm giving serious thought to the homeless option." 

Well. Goodness. That took the cake! This possibly nice and marginally normal young Tesla-owning ex-Navy pseudo hippie was considering choosing to be homeless?

All I could say was, “Oh! Oh my. And where would you go?"

"Right here!" he exclaimed joyfully. "The doors lock, I can sleep in here, nobody can get in, I can shower at the gym, and I'll save a ton of money. A lot of Lyft and Uber drivers are doing that now. Maybe in a few years I’ll save enough to buy a mobile home..."

Heavens. I could only stare at him. It didn't compute - but what does nowadays? 

At last, thank heavens, we pulled up at the curb outside of what did indeed look like the right theater. Gazing at me beatifically while I opened the door and set my foot on the safe, solid sidewalk, my driver told me, "Enjoy the show!"

"Thank you dear,” I managed to reply. “And good luck with your new adventure - it sounds quite outrageous and possibly very foolish...." 

“Oh, I’m really, really into it!" he assured me, happy as a clam. Then, waving at me cheerily, he pulled out into traffic as if he were any normal driver. 

Poor fellow - I was relieved that he hadn’t murdered me, but he was clearly not all there. And I don’t know where he got that Tesla…

To my Guide

Your kindness as deep 

       as a deep summer’s night

       your joy complete

       as the sun’s clear light

       you are all and

       everything

       I need

When in a dream 

       you visit me 

       my cup over-brims

       with sweet wellbeing 

       and I can scarce believe 

       that such as you have come 

       to be with such as me

Yet you are 

       for me

       the only true 

       reality

So in joy let me 

       affirm this truth I sing

       until my life expires 

       my heart within me

       blossoming

Dancing with the Wolf 

of Happiness

On the one hand

I’m not ready 

to die.

I have faith

and everything

but 

I just don’t like 

that much change…

On the other hand

I’ve been expecting to die

all my life

and now that I’m old

i expect it even more

in fact

any day now

And to those who tell me 

not to say such things

I say it is 

the simple truth

and not

to be silly

So this morning 

as I was dancing 

in the garden

to the invisible music

of JS Bach 

on my hearing aids

I started thinking

as usual 

of my death

Usually 

when I think of dying

I just think of it - like I think

of anything

Canticle of Light*

i.

Today

for no particular reason

I woke up happy

Maybe it was

the dream I had -

something

about dancing 

to a triple rhythm - 

I’ve forgotten

the rest of it

like I forget so many details

these days

but forgetting

is no reason

to be unhappy

The only thing

that can really

make me unhappy

these days

is this movie

we’re all making -

especially 

all those painful 

personal scenes

that never fail to

suck me in

And this is so 

even though

not so long ago

I turned around

and noticed 

the Impossible Light

streaming in from behind 

that makes

the pictures

ii

My little i 

was not the one

who noticed 

that resplendence

though she claimed 

it was she

My little i

is a dear

but totally illusory

and that thunderbolt

of luminosity

would have

snuffed her out

entirely

iii

No, it was I,

myself

who noticed that Light -

but all I did 

to notice it

was read the manual

and follow its advice:

“Try to see the light

inside your eyes”

the key word being

“Try”

iv.

I’ll admit that

at first as I tried

I saw nothing 

but a few imaginary 

flickerings

But then one day

as I was peering

over my shoulder

to the right

the Light

sneaked up behind me

on the left

and slapped me silly

And then 

all I could do

was lie there

listening

to the little bird of joy

singing 

in my heart

For long moments the hand of death hovered over us both, ready to touch either one of us on the shoulder - “Come…”

Snapping himself out of it, the young man handed me some stapled papers and told me, not unkindly, to go to window such and such. 

“Good luck,” he shuddered, still in shock.

Window such and such turned out to be the picture window. There another young man, this one fattish and bored out of his gourd, told me simply, “Stand over there”…

I stood, ready to take off my glasses, something they’d made me do last time - but he couldn’t have cared less, so I left them on. After a couple of half-hearted takes, he waved me off to the DMV’s very own Purgatory: the Exam Room.

Although I’m not crazy about tests, I wasn’t worried about this one. After all, I had studied - kind of - by reading through most of the Driver’s Handbook a couple of days before, and skimming the rest while waiting in line. And I’ve been driving for over 50 years, surely I knew enough to pass their dumb test!

In the exam room, a new young man, this one friendly, nose-ringed and tattooed, and charged with keeping an eye out for cheaters, ushered me gently toward a computer terminal, uttering the hushed blessing: “Good luck.” 

I thanked him and sat down. I hadn’t really thought about what would happen if I didn’t pass - but I wasn’t going to worry, I wasn’t that far gone.

I read the instructions on screen, took a deep breath, and hit start.

Ummmm… yeah. 

Yeah.

There were way more questions than I’d expected - all multiple choice, and a lot of them demanding the pickiest answers, about things that had nothing to do with driving or safety. My favorite went something like this:

"What is the punishment for injuring or killing someone with your bad driving and then running away from law enforcement officers? A. 10 years in prison; B. a $5000 fine; C. Apologizing and never doing it again; D. Following a police car at a respectful distance for 100 miles..."

Every time I gave a wrong answer, the computer would kindly mark it with a red X, and place a green check mark beside the correct one, just to let me know. This happened a lot, and it wasn’t helpful.

Long story short, the test ended with the large letters on the screen: “You did not pass. You have two more tries.”

I collected my things and made for the exit. As I passed the nose-ringed young man, who must have noticed the many times I squirmed and cursed under my breath as I sat bungling my way through the exam, he gazed at me sympathetically - “Didn’t pass? it’s ok, you have two more tries…”

Well. 

Maybe I do need to take things more seriously. Maybe it is somehow essential for me to know what punishment to expect if I someday knock down some other old woman at an intersection, then tear out into traffic, tires screeching, and lead the cops on a wild car chase?? I haven’t been planning on that - but you never know…

Pronouns

Today I had 

an interesting conversation 

with my son

who happens to be a he

and who asked me carefully,

How do you identify 

inside?

Having been a flower child

I had to say

that while identity is something

many people never doubt

I've been asking who the hell am I

and what's going on

ever since being strapped alive

into the roller coaster ride

of my most apocalyptic acid trip

during which I doubted everything 

especially my soundness 

of mind

When I came down 

I rushed to join 

every cult I could possibly find

from the Catholic Church 

whose fathers wouldn't let me in 

to the Abilitists 

who simply grinned

at all my sins

and none of them 

could resolve my plight

but only left me wailing

into the black of night:

why am I here?

who am I and who are you

and where oh where

are we headed to???

Back to the question

of Identity -

when asked who on earth

we think we are

the godliest of us old hippies 

generally give one 

of two replies:

I'm nothing

or 

I'm everything

While the humble hippies 

of today

give one of three:

my pronouns are he/him 

because I am a he;

my pronouns are she/her 

which means I am a she;

or finally

my pronouns are they/them 

which means 

I'm one of those 

elusive old/new entities

who call ourselves 

"nonbinary" 

Which brings me back

to my conversation

with my son

when he asked me

how do you identify

inside?

Just to help me out

he said

imagine you woke up

not a woman

but a man -

how would that 

make you feel?

Pretty weird I guess,

I said

but in reality...

And then I gave the answer

most predictable for my age:

After thousands of retreats

in search of 

the "essential me"

and after finding 

not a thing

but emptiness inside

I can only say

I really don't identify

as anything

And so he said

well then

maybe you are perhaps

at least a little

mildly nonbinary?

And if that is so 

perhaps you might

- just maybe -

want to go by

them and they?

To which 

I hurriedly replied

Oh no

because I really do not care 

if people see me as a she -

the error's understandable 

and hardly bothers me 

and anyway

(and this part I didn't say)

what would 

everyone think?

So my son raised his eyebrows

and said oh really?

and I said

yes

and thinking 

that was that

went home

And there I found

the same old me

all questions 

and no answers

because in reality

there seems to be 

no more to me

than a need to be true 

to myself and you 

and all the royal we

of the human family

So then I thought

that maybe 

the best way to be true

to me and you 

and all the royal we

would indeed be 

to act in solidarity 

with all my queer

extended family

by proclaiming "they/them"

as the pronouns

I want listed by my name